Lately I've really been enjoying sitting near the babies. At a time when I've been struggling to get words out of my mouth, or feeling like it's pointless to talk about things, their incoherent babblings have brought much refreshment and comfort to me. :)
Seeing how Cass knows exactly what Melody is trying to say even when no words come out remind me that God pieces my fragmented thoughts together and sees and understands what's inside of my heart as well, even when I don't know what I mean, and can't find a way to express them.
When Malcolm talks about how his heart melts when Melody asks for him, and seeing this little boy who scraped his arm run to his mummy asking for hugs and comfort and kisses...I wish I could be a little girl again and run to my daddy. But thank God I'm never too old to run to the arms of my Daddy, who never runs out of hugs and kisses for me, and is most importantly, never too far away for me. And it just makes me think, "Wow, does God's heart melt too when I want Him? When I tell Him how helpless I am and ask Him to help me? When I just desire for Him to be the one who soothes all my hurts and tell me that one day they will all disappear and all this falling and getting back up again will make me stronger?"
And when Elysia shows us all these super long videos of how she tries to get Jeremiah to smile or chuckle, and plays them over and over again, I picture God also hovering over us as He plans out His surprises for us and tries to bring joy to our hearts. And when I think of God delighting in me, this is the picture that I get. God replaying over and over again all the times when I've done something to move His heart, and storing them in a special folder to show off to the angels or something like that. :)
But most of all, when I look at how the kids have so much freedom in expressing themselves during worship, it becomes so clear why God says that the Kingdom of God belongs to such as these. And even though I can never again be little, I can always have that kind of innocence, that longing and dependency on God, that AWARENESS and CONFIDENCE that He can and WILL meet my every need, that He will never grow tired of me even in times of my failure and insecurity and weakness. :)
I was just thinking, how wonderful it is that God gives us the privilege of being fathers and mothers - that we can begin to see ourselves the way that He sees us. I think it is so wonderful that God is so generous that He doesn't keep all the loving to Himself. He could say, "None of you will ever love right, but all your efforts in loving will just hurt others more, let me do all the loving!", but He doesn't, and instead allows us to participate in loving others, that our hearts might expand and we can be filled with more of His love to pour out on others.
Sometimes I think loving is just so incredibly hard. Most times I want to just give up coz I don't see immediate fruit, or coz my love is so limited it is just not enough for the whole world...but God reminded me yesterday that if I am to learn to love at all, I might as well learn to love well and right. And how can we love well and right unless we love the most unlovable? Unless our capacity to love is stretched to its ultimate limits? Unless we love beyond loving and find that it was God who was loving through us all this while?
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