Home

It sounds a little silly, but I almost cried the other day when mummy asked me to come home, and I said I don't know if I can because I have so much work to do, and she says, "Daddy said don't care lar, just come back and relax and take a break."

I was proofreading this book and there was a line on how Rebekah had two nations fighting within her womb and it suddenly dawned on me how and why I am a "Rebecca" haha. For the first time in my life, I actually thought my name was right for me. That it wasn't too boring or ordinary or frustrating [coz everyone pronounces it wrongly, especially in Malaysia] - but it was about my destiny too, about the story of my life wrapped up in that one name.

Yesterday I was talking to my Malaysian classmate about our plans after graduation, and she was surprised that I said I wanted to go home, coz apparently I look like I'm "one with the Singaporeans". Most Singaporeans think I'm Singaporean. I don't know...as nice as Singapore is, and as wonderful as my Singaporean friends are, I've just always found the idea of being a Singaporean extremely unappealing, it always sounds so stiff and boring.

And when it comes down to it...I don't want my children to be raised as Singaporeans because I don't want them to grow up looking down on Malaysians and Indonesians and Filipinos. And I can't really understand why, but it is very important to me that they are able to speak in Malay, and read all the crazy tales in Sejarah Melayu about Hang Tuah and Hang Jebat, and have that same warrior spirit residing inside of them. I'd like them to be a little bit wild, eat with their hands, walk around barefoot, and I want them to have a childhood.

But there are many things about Singapore that I do love too - and I will try to love them as much as I can whilst I'm here. And of course, some days there are more things that I hate in Malaysia than I love... Two nations struggling within me.

When I'm in Malaysia, I pine for the comforts and convenience of Singapore. I miss my independence, I miss being able to go wherever I want whenever I want to without having to trouble anyone, I miss the cleanness of everything, I miss how fast everything is, I miss the structure which is non-existent in Malaysia. When I'm in Singapore, I can't stop thinking about how NICE Malaysia is. How nice it is to speak in Manglish. How nice it is to know Malay. How nice it is that we aren't so racially segregated here. How nice it is to be in a place where people aren't constantly accusing you of stealing everything that is theirs [even though on some level, there's a lot of that too, but there's also a greater sense of belonging]. How nice it is to be able to stay in real houses and have real gardens and real neighbours you can talk to. How nice it is to be able to go for mamak any time of the day and they ALWAYS have rava thosai and naan and teh o ais limau. How nice it is to have friends with cars haha. How nice it is to be able to speak Cantonese with my friends. How nice it is to have daddy and mummy to cook for me and dogs to hug and love.

And I know some day I will see that this is a blessing, even though for now all I can think about is how I'm always missing out on something, how I'm always just somewhere in between. If I'm at home, I miss out on stuff in Singapore; when I'm in Singapore, I miss out on what they're doing in Malaysia. And so sometimes I get so depressed I just give up on trying to catch up with what everyone else is doing, on hoping someone would fill me in so I won't have to try in vain to grab hold of what is said between the lines and can only be understood by those who were there, coz it only reinforces the fact of my absence.

But still - I am so thankful.

Every time my best friends ask me to come home, and plan all the things we should do when I'm back, all the food we should eat when I'm back, I am just so thankful to know that wherever I go, I'll have people who love me.

And that's more important than anything else.

Someday, this will be a blessing.