Is it really to serve others or in anticipation of being served?
Is everything done with the sole aim of glorifying Christ and not anyone's fleshly desires?
Is it to give voice to the struggles within one's own heart...rather than to listen to the heart of God?
***
I am so tired of so many things.
Of not knowing/understanding why people do the things that they do.
Today when John talked about how all these non-conformist churches sprung up to set up THEIR OWN liturgies and way of doing church because they disagreed with the way the Anglican church was run [and some of these points may be entirely valid], it just pained me to think how we've never escaped from the whole "I know better than anyone else how church should be done" thing.
Most of all, I am tired of the own questions that arise within my heart...do all these things matter? I was surprised and a little taken aback that Paul wrote in Philippians that he didn't care that much if people were preaching out of selfish motives as long as God is glorified. Is this my sole aim? If not, why not?
As I grow older, I want to speak less...because I realise some words are not worth saying. I find the idea of preaching or being a leader even more terrifying than ever, because most of the words I find within my heart...are just that. My own words. Not God's. And if they are not God's, and if the things I want to do are not God's, I don't want to go out there on the pretence of speaking for God when all I am doing is venting my own frustrations and trying to control and impress people with the vanity of my "wisdom".
I am so tired of all the doing, and all the people who want to push me into doing.
Just be.
We waste so much energy doing things that are inconsequential and unnecessary and tire ourselves out and at the end of it, we find we haven't grown any closer to God at all...but all the more hungry for someone else's approval, someone else's affirmation, someone else's love.
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