I have been finding it very difficult to articulate the things that God exposed to me - to myself or to anyone at all - whilst I was in the US because so much of it was borne out of such moments of vulnerability and fear and helplessness. And because I left Singapore in the wake of perhaps one of the most vulnerable, fearful and helpless moments of my life...and drifting into deeper encounters that so clearly underlined the frailty of men, the futility of our efforts and works, the fact that ANYONE of us can just slip at any moment [and knowing that I had just made a huge slip and not knowing how I even got to that point of standing at the edge of a precipice and thinking that it was okay to let myself fall] has really shaken me.

After weeks of trying to grapple with a lot of questions, I asked God whether it was really safe to be completely honest with anyone and not risk being mocked or ridiculed or dismissed, and He led me to have a very interesting, candid conversation with Mercy that assured me that it IS okay to be real [in a very shocking way that unnerved me and exposed me to even more brokenness]...even though I'm still struggling with it because I wanted so badly to be real and honest and it only brought with it loss and pain and the opposite of what everyone said would happen.

Sometimes I wonder if it might be better to retreat and be silent, to be overly careful in my words so that I'll never hurt anyone again, but I've come to realise that sometimes when we're overly careful, people never get to know how much we love them, how lovable they are - and maybe it is worth that risk to bare your heart more than you should, rather than to be silent and not reveal anything and let people sit around in the dark about your perception of them. And while it's true that this may mean I'll hurt more people and get hurt so much more myself, maybe that really is the only way to live in love. I've always wanted to avoid hurt and pain - and that has driven a lot of silly notions I've had for myself and my life - but how else can I understand the heart of Jesus if I never experience what He did for myself? How else can I speak with truth and conviction of the kind of God He is and the healing work that He does and longs to do and the grace that He has and uses to cover over us all if I never experience them for myself?

My heart breaks for all the people who are living in secret shame because they have been made to believe that it is completely detestable to God to fall, and I wish I knew how to communicate His grace to them. Sometimes I struggle with not judging them myself...and so I know in God's sovereignty, sometimes He allows us to fall, to fail, to flounder, just so He can strip us of our vanities, our pride, our self-sufficiencies. In fact, I've learnt that being at the top is such a cold and lonely place, so isolating and confusing and illusive that the painful shards of falling are often more comfortable, more soothing, more inviting. The trick is just in knowing Who to hang on to as I navigate through both my mountains and my valleys.

I really hope that in time, the lessons that God has been teaching me throughout the past few months will become clearer. I have a feeling that they will probably be one of the most important things I will ever learn about who God is and how He loves and works and prepares us for His weight of glory.