The temptation to stay in the cave and hide forever is so big and so real and so strong and so overwhelming sometimes.
I guess one reason why I'm always so afraid of preaching is because I know God always gives me words, ideas, visions that are bigger than myself. And when I articulate them, I cannot go back. I become so aware that my words have the very same power and potential that was involved in the creation of the universe. If I keep them inside my head, I can still hide from them. But once I let them come out of me, those words stick like arrows to my heart, pressing against me, demanding of me, forcing me to feel. Any move to remove them makes my heart bleed even more for them, knowing full well that it only creates a void, a specifically-shaped...hole that only the living out of those words can fill and make whole again.
I really admire Heidi Baker and the way she fights against the trials and temptations that come her way. The way she sees every attempt of the enemy to break her as an opportunity for Jesus to come in and show everyone who's boss. I need that kind of perspective when dealing with the warfare in my life, the temptation to be ordinary and hidden.
When I tell everyone that we need courage to walk out the call of God upon our life, to fight against injustice and lack and oppression, I am willing myself to be courageous enough to fight against these things as well. I am glad that God remembers that I am dust, and I need courage. I'm glad He says I can lean on His strength and He will fight for me. Because on most days, I really don't have any fight left in me. I want to let the storm engulf me, I want to be drifted away instead of commanding it to behave. I want to keep asking God for more dreams that I can set my hopes instead of walking in obedience to the last word that He has given me. I want to be like a little child again with all the freshness of dreams swelling within my heart, instead of having it decorated with shards of failures and disappointments.
But I've learnt that having courage doesn't mean holding only one side of life, but holding both up in tension...saying yes to dreams but having the wisdom that comes from my battle scars to guide me along the way, sometimes enjoying the storms but knowing that it has no power to drown me, preparing myself for the battle but knowing that I don't have to go out there and really fight because God fights for me. Laughing in the face of trials because it means a miracle is around the corner, and I get to see Jesus coming in again in His sneaky, quiet way, unfurling all His power and strength and grace, winning yet another heart that He has been longing for, turning evil to good, ashes to beauty. Being afraid, being so aware of the limits of my flesh...but wanting, desiring the privileges of a weakness that knows it can have every ounce of strength that belongs to God. If I would only just ask. And be bold enough to step out of that musty, dark cave that has been impeding my vision. And SEE the realities of heaven all around me. All for me.
2 Cor 4:16-18
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
When I tell everyone that we need courage to walk out the call of God upon our life, to fight against injustice and lack and oppression, I am willing myself to be courageous enough to fight against these things as well. I am glad that God remembers that I am dust, and I need courage. I'm glad He says I can lean on His strength and He will fight for me. Because on most days, I really don't have any fight left in me. I want to let the storm engulf me, I want to be drifted away instead of commanding it to behave. I want to keep asking God for more dreams that I can set my hopes instead of walking in obedience to the last word that He has given me. I want to be like a little child again with all the freshness of dreams swelling within my heart, instead of having it decorated with shards of failures and disappointments.
But I've learnt that having courage doesn't mean holding only one side of life, but holding both up in tension...saying yes to dreams but having the wisdom that comes from my battle scars to guide me along the way, sometimes enjoying the storms but knowing that it has no power to drown me, preparing myself for the battle but knowing that I don't have to go out there and really fight because God fights for me. Laughing in the face of trials because it means a miracle is around the corner, and I get to see Jesus coming in again in His sneaky, quiet way, unfurling all His power and strength and grace, winning yet another heart that He has been longing for, turning evil to good, ashes to beauty. Being afraid, being so aware of the limits of my flesh...but wanting, desiring the privileges of a weakness that knows it can have every ounce of strength that belongs to God. If I would only just ask. And be bold enough to step out of that musty, dark cave that has been impeding my vision. And SEE the realities of heaven all around me. All for me.
2 Cor 4:16-18
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
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